Episode 14: Everyone Has Insecurities, But How Do I Find Mine

We dig into how insecurities actually show up in daily life and why they so often sit underneath defensiveness and conflict. We share real stories and a simple process for noticing the trigger, naming the fear, and telling ourselves the truth so we can heal and stay connected. 

• defining insecurity as inner uncertainty and recognizing common symptoms like defensiveness, perfectionism and the need for validation 
• separating insecurity from overall self-esteem and talking about how it can be compartmentalized 
• sharing how body image and health feedback can trigger discouragement and control 
• breaking down perfectionism as a coping mechanism and learning to witness self-judgment without adding more judgment 
• using the Choose Again method to notice, forgive and choose a new thought 
• exploring why other people’s words sting most when they match what we already believe about ourselves 
• explaining how insecurities get between us through assumptions, mind-reading and heat-of-the-moment reactions 
• laying out steps for healing: get curious, name the fear, tell it the truth, stop worrying about what hasn’t happened yet 

Why don't you follow us on Instagram, Spotify, or Apple Podcast? And drop us a comment, give us a like, and uh follow us. 

Transcript

Welcome And The Big Topic

SPEAKER_01 0:07

And welcome back to another episode of RelationsMith. I'm Jamie Smith and I'm here with my beautiful and so gorgeous wife, Stesse.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Stesse. Hi everyone. This podcast is a space where we share our relationship and the conversations we're having, sometimes about hard things and sometimes about lighter ones, and always with the goal of staying connected.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

Connected is correct. Today we're gonna dive in to something we have talked about on previous podcasts. And I think it's I think it's fair to say that we've touched on it a lot in almost most of our podcasts.

SPEAKER_02 0:50

Yeah, probably almost all of them.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

But we've never really dug into it. And it is on insecurities. Yeah. So one of the things I I kind of before we kind of dive in, I just wanted to I found this little excerpt on Google just to see, you know, what if it

What Insecurities Look Like

SPEAKER_01 1:10

kind of matches up to what we're thinking. And man, this this description kind of really encompasses a lot of stuff. So I'd like to read it and then unpack it, you know, with my thoughts and stuff. But basically, it's I asked, I asked, how do you identify insecurities? And it says insecure symptoms often manifest as a combination of low self-esteem, constant need for validation, perfectionism, and controlling behavior. These feelings of inner uncertainty can lead to social anxiety, jealousy, defensive behavior, and according to all of the resources that this well it says Reddit, but all these resources, an inability to admit mistakes often masked by either excessive bragging or social withdrawal.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

And what was the question that you asked it?

SPEAKER_01 2:13

What was the question? How to identify insecurities. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah. So what was kind of crazy about that, just asking the question, it really kind of dredged up a lot of things that it kind of kind of makes me think about why we get in arguments. You know, and I don't mean you and I personally, but maybe some of our arguments in the past have been like that.

SPEAKER_00 2:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

But it kind of just really, man, it's it's it described it to a T in essence. But we can read it all day long, but if we don't deal with it, if we don't try to be self-aware about it, it's never gonna nothing's gonna amount to anything. Right. So that was kind of my little take on that. What what about you? What what were some of the things you wanted uh?

SPEAKER_02 3:05

Well, I think that's really great that it calls out the symptoms, and that helps, I think, because I know well when we were talking about the episode ahead of time, you had posed the question, well, what even is an insecurity?

SPEAKER_01 3:21

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

And I kind of thought that's where you're going with that, but yeah, kind of. Yeah, and there was only one thing in there that that I thought actually talked about what an insecurity is, which of course I hit the button. Oh, nice screen.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

So I don't know what it says, but oh, by the way, that is uh a podcast we probably will do at a later time. I'm an iPhone guy and she's anti-iPhone.

SPEAKER_02 3:47

I am I I'm anti-Apple.

SPEAKER_01 3:49

Don't come for me. I have my reasons. Yeah. And and she's sticking to her guns. I've tried to convert her, but it uh I've converted all her kids, but she's the only one. I'm alone, hold up. Here you go, my loved. Okay. There you go.

SPEAKER_02 4:06

So what was it that you said? Inner f feelings of inner uncertainty.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:15

So I guess that could be something of a definition, some kind of feeling of uncertainty.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

Yeah. Yeah, one of the biggest things I thought a symptom that I can relate to is defensiveness.

SPEAKER_02 4:31

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

Oh my gosh. And I and I know talking to people when they talk about some of the arguments and and disruptions they've had in their relationships, that's some of the things that happen, is they get very defensive because they feel an attack. They feel and and what it and man, it just kind of just brought it to life when I read that. I was like, of course. That's why you're defensive, because you have an insecurity. What is that insecurity though? And I think that's what I was alluding to earlier when I asked you what, you know, why? Why is an insecurity, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 5:10

Yeah. And I don't know that honestly, as I was kind of thinking through this, to I I kind of came to the conclusion that the why is maybe doesn't matter. And maybe I don't know. I might change my mind later if I, you know, after I give it a little more thought, but but you know, for now, that's where I'm sitting with it. And and it's interesting that that little article said that it's a combination of low self-esteem, constant need of validation, perfectionism controlling behavior. I mean, and it's just these are just symptoms, potential symptoms. Because I don't think I don't have low self-esteem, but I still have insecurities.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

Yeah. Well, I think it it can be a combination. Right. But it also I think it can be either or.

SPEAKER_02 6:00

Right, right. So it's not don't hear this and think you know it has to be all those things.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, because I mean, well, let me backtrack a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 6:09

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

I'm a pretty confident person.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

Yeah, you are.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

But there are things I'm very low self-esteem about. Doesn't mean that my whole persona is low self-esteem. It might be this one area in my life that I'm very, you know what I mean? So it doesn't necessarily mean that having low self-esteem means that you just have altogether totally low self-esteem. It might just

Defensiveness And Body Confidence

SPEAKER_01 6:40

mean this area in your life. For me, and I'm in, I don't full transparency, my weight up and down, and just my feeling comfortable about my in my body has been an insecurity of mine. Yeah. That has been something I've had low self-esteem about. And and I feel better when I get to a place when I'm when I'm in control.

SPEAKER_02 7:07

Uh-huh. Yeah, controlling behavior.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Right? And so then when I'm in control, I start feeling a little bit better. And then and then I have you that you give me positive reinforcement, you know, like, you know, you're so sexy, and oh, you're so neat. Oh, you're so hot. And I'm like, yeah, you know, and I'm flexing in the mirror, you know, and you're loving it. Facts, yeah. Yeah, this is facts. I'm talking when I said transparency, I'm I'm laying it out there. But you know, and and it's adorable though. But and and you make and it makes me feel good. And so then, but then all of a sudden it's that one person or that one thought that comes in my head where you know you're feeling good. Uh for me, it's the doctor. I'm I've gotten to a point where I'm so anti-doctor. You know, and I don't mean any disrespect to any doctors or professions out there, but the thing is, is that I was doing really well last year. And I was, man, I had lost weight. I was going to this personal fitness iron tribe call out, Franklin. And so, but I was going, you we and we both were going, and and I had lost weight, but I was feeling good about being in control of my food and this and that. And and I was like, yes, I'm going for my annual visit. Everything's gonna be good. And what does he tell me? You're gonna have to up your blood pressure medicine and this medicine, your cholesterol's a little hot. And I'm like, I'm eating right. I'm doing the I'm doing the things.

SPEAKER_00 8:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:49

And and and again, it wasn't my doctor being a jerk. He's actually a really great guy. But what it was is that no matter what I was doing, my body was telling the doctors it doesn't matter what he's doing, you know, and and it, man, it was like it discouraged me. Oh, it discouraged me so bad. And I got defensive. I even kind of not lashed out mean-wise, but I was like, I'm doing everything the right way. I am so sick of this. Uh, what is it that I can do? So then unfolded, I had to go to the cardiologist, get another visit, get another CT scan, get all these different things, all these tests, my vascular surgeon, which was great because he discovered that my aortic dissection that I had back in 2017, I think it was, is completely healed. Awesome, awesome. But it was discouraging because I worked so hard and being healthy again and doing all the things just to be told you're still not doing good enough.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

Yeah. Well, and I guess just kind of circling back, I guess for me, I I always I kind of separate those two things, self-esteem and insecurity. In my mind, right? I don't know. I don't know. To me, it's it's two separate things. You can have an insecurity without having low self-esteem.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

I mean, I think to me, at least for me, in my mind and how I think about it, low self-esteem is like a a lot of insecurity. You have a lot of insecurities, or maybe a few that are just overwhelming.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

But I don't know. I think that for me, I that is something I have low self-esteem about that I'm trying to overcome. But my my knowledge of work, my performance, I don't have a low self-esteem with that. I don't I don't have low self-esteem with knowing how to take care of you. You know, I don't have you know what I mean. So to me, I feel like it can be yeah, it could be compartmentalized, right? Okay. So it doesn't necessarily have to be all of these things, but it can be a combination or it could be a singularity of one of these things, right?

SPEAKER_02 11:13

Mm-hmm. So I think the reason why I had wanted to talk about this on the podcast this week is because I feel like we talk about it so much about how the root of conflict is usually one or both people have an insecurity that got triggered. Right. And so I just thought it would be a good idea to talk about how do you even identify those identify the insecurity that's causing the trigger to begin with. Right. Because it that so much of what we talk about, I think, hinges on that. And so what was that?

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Anyway. Okay, sorry. Just

Perfectionism And The Inner Critic

SPEAKER_01 12:00

my laptop being silly.

SPEAKER_02 12:01

Okay. So I was thinking about that. How did I do that? And I think the number one first step, the first step for me was I had to learn to stop judging myself too harshly. And so for me, what I really identify out of that list is perfectionism, and I've said that before on here.

SPEAKER_00 12:27

Right.

SPEAKER_02 12:28

I had definitely a recovering perfectionist. And so part of my uh big journey a few years ago was I learned to stop judging myself too harshly. And I learned how to do that, you know, as I mentioned before, Gabrielle Bernstein, she has the choose again method, which is you know, notice the thought, forgive the thought, choose a new thought. And so then she talks about uh witnessing your judgment without judgment. And so that's the notice part, right? When you start when I started judging myself, then I started to or when I was judging myself, I started to notice oh, I'm judging myself again. There that is again. And it was just a notice without saying, oh, I'm so stupid for judging myself or you know, an idiot, or I'm never gonna, you know, so without the judgment, right? Just noticing it.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

Do you think that your insecurity of perfectionism and where you were judging yourself, do you feel like it that if you felt like somebody was judging you that was like the the thing that caused you to have that trigger?

SPEAKER_02 13:54

I think that it was I really don't think it was someone. I mean I think I think I was judging myself more than anyone else.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

And I think that somehow, you know, you hear you hear people talk about the inner critic.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:20

So I mean, some somehow my inner critic was so I don't know what how to say it. I j I just thought, you know, if I followed all the rules exactly right, then everything would work out.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

It was so prominent. Yeah. It was just and so and just the the highlight.

SPEAKER_02 14:45

Yeah, and if things didn't work out how I thought they should, then well I didn't I didn't follow the rules well enough. You know, so um and of course so of course then when if you're judging yourself, then you're going to expect that other people are judging you. But it was really it really came back to me.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

Yeah, so okay. Well, one of the things that I was thinking is that this big thing for you, this perfectionism, this judgment, this everything that you did, yet had to play by the rules. Do you think that you got that that mode of thought growing up?

SPEAKER_02 15:37

Oh yeah. I'm yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:40

And so it was kind of instilled in you this this this like have to make sure I follow the rules and do these things in order to make doing it.

SPEAKER_02 15:50

Well, it was how it was how I learned to cope with whatever I had going on on growing up.

SPEAKER_01 15:56

So professionalism for you was a coping mechanism. Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_02 15:59

Yeah. But I think a lot of people could be other people could be in the same exact scenario I was growing up, they would have just coped differently. So yeah. I don't think it's necessarily, you know. Well, I mean, one of the things I've learned as my kids have gotten into adulthood is you can't really control how they're gonna perceive things, right? Right, absolutely. So I think it's just uh uh down to the individual person and how they how they cope, how they learn to cope with their life's challenges. But yeah, so I I started witnessing my judgment without judgment and then forgiving the judgment, which that was like so uh monumental for me. And through that forgiveness of my judgment, I learned compassion. I I I think I've always been a compassionate person, but it was like a new level of uh being compassion being allowing myself to give myself compassion just even increased my compassion for others even more.

SPEAKER_01 17:13

Right.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

And so once I learned to stop, you know, stop judging my judgment and forgiving myself and choosing again, then I I had the bandwidth and the capacity to start being curious and honest with myself, curious about why I was having the reactions I was having and and honest with myself about it. And I know that we I've said those words before on here, and we've talked about it before, but it really did come down to that for me. So once I was able to, like I said, stop judging the judgment, then and get curious about it and honest about it.

SPEAKER_01 18:01

So in your curiosity, what did you find?

SPEAKER_02 18:03

Well, and that's how well that's how I started to identify what my insecurities were, right? So when I'm having those re those behaviors, like what you read in that article at the beginning, then you know, I had the self-awareness, like you mentioned, yeah, and to say, okay, I'm I'm reacting to this. Why? What am I really afraid of?

SPEAKER_00 18:31

Right.

SPEAKER_02 18:31

And it did most of the time come back to I'm afraid of something, I'm afraid of disappointing someone, I'm afraid of hurting someone, I'm afraid of not having enough, I'm afraid of I don't know, those are the ones that come to mind readily.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Yeah, it's wild that you say that because that's what it actually says down here. The perfectionism is is usually a fear of failure and an inability to be satisfied with progress, driven by a fear of rejection or not being enough.

SPEAKER_02 19:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:04

Wow, yeah. So uh I could say I could say I've had a little bit of that in my life as well. Just just making sure I'm the best version of myself and then sometimes not feeling like I am, you know, and and judging myself and just listening to the the thoughts, right?

SPEAKER_02 19:24

Yeah, so yeah, and and there's all we always can get better, but it's just because you can get better, it's still it's still great to be where you are.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:39

And ha and have the growth that you have had already. Like what those aren't mutually exclusive.

SPEAKER_00 19:46

Right.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

So I think that was also part of that actually, I don't think, I know that was also part of my journey, is being able to say, Hey, I've come this far, and that's great.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

Yeah, maybe I'm not, you know, I have more to go, but I've made progress.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

It's the small victories. Yeah. You know, it's the is in order to win the war of this insecurity, we have to recognize and and celebrate the small battles.

SPEAKER_02 20:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

You know, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 20:19

So I think for naming what it is I was afraid of helped a lot.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

And well, it started with self-awareness too, right? Yeah, yeah. You know, you you identified the fact that there's I'm doing this to myself. No one else is doing it. I'm not and if if someone else is doing it to me, I'm allowing them to do it to me. So what is it? Well, it's it this is my battle. Yeah. This is my journey that I'm having to deal with.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

Well, no one else's judgment can really hurt me.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

No.

SPEAKER_02 20:57

Not really.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

No.

SPEAKER_02 20:59

So only my own, right?

SPEAKER_01 21:01

Only if you allow it to. Yeah. Somebody else's judgment or somebody else's words and stuff, if you allow it to, that it can hurt you. But if you if you if you dive into it, because I mean people can be sharp, right? I mean, one of the greatest weapons uh it talks about in all different types of I mean, the Bible and different types of things, it says that the word is a weapon, is one of the greatest weapons because it can go straight to the shore, right?

SPEAKER_02 21:30

Yeah, yeah. Words and words can definitely hurt you, but

Why Words Only Sting Sometimes

SPEAKER_02 21:35

it reminds me of this book that I read recently. It said you will only allow, I might be misquoting it, but I really do think it was this sentiment you will only accept the amount of abuse from others that you are already giving yourself.

unknown 21:59

So

SPEAKER_02 22:00

So what what it and what it was saying was if if someone abuses you more than you are abuse yourself, you'll you'll walk away from them, you'll reject them, you'll ignore or or it won't impact you at all. But if it's as much as you give yourself, then it's because you already greet them. It's you're you're just saying, well, yeah, I deserve that because Right. That's why they're doing it, because I deserve it.

SPEAKER_01 22:32

And so But if you know better, yeah, it won't affect you. Yeah. I mean, we grew up with the uh term sticks and stones will break your bones, but words may never harm me. And the reason is is because we were trying to they were our our parents and our leaders of that time were trying to instill in us this idea that we could not let the words bother us, that we would ultimately be able to understand that the only way that words could really affect us is if we if we allowed it. If we allow it, just like just like somebody that that verbally abuses someone, the more they do it, they they can they're getting they can see effect, right? And they're gonna keep doing it because it makes them feel superior and then it makes the other person feel weak. But if you don't allow it, they can't do anything about it.

SPEAKER_02 23:32

I just have I just found it really interesting that I I just noticed that if someone said something about me that and even before the I read the book, I noticed this. If someone said said something about me that I didn't already agree with, I would quickly dismiss it.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

Yeah. Oh, that's good.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

And it wasn't an unless it was something that I already thought was true about myself when it would stink.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I could see that.

SPEAKER_00 24:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Yeah. I'm trying to think. Sometimes it made me do a little, you know, inner inner look when I'm when someone would say something I didn't agree with. And then I'd have to step back and go, am I really like that?

SPEAKER_02 24:22

Yeah, do I really do that? You know, and then Which is very healthy and one of the things I love about you.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I I need to do that because

Marvel The Cat Interrupts

SPEAKER_01 24:30

I it's just this this by the way, if you hear crazy things going on in the background, and this is this is a live recording, and we try to make this a as comfortable and as secluded as we can, but we have this crazy little cat that always acts like he wants our attention at the very moment that we start recording. And he will find we turn off all his electronical toys and everything, and then all of a sudden he's like, Okay, well, I'll jump on your desk and I'll walk all of your computers. Oh, I'll just take this box, I'll bring it all the way to the door, and I'll start ripping it apart. And and it causes It's like a constant battle. Oh my gosh. It's like, and then if we close him out, he scratches at the door, and you'll hear this. I mean, it's like non-stop. He is a toddler. I mean, he is going on two years old. It'd be two, his name's Marvel. He's a crazy little thing. But my gosh, kid.

SPEAKER_02 25:39

Sometimes he's really good. Sometimes he lays down and takes a nap, but then other times, like today, he's just he's just got the bad case of the zoomies today.

SPEAKER_01 25:48

Yes, so that is all the little noises that you're so all those little noises in the background is him going, no, you have to pay attention to me. So if you ever find that we're talking and all of a sudden we're we get a little distracted and we're like, yeah, okay. It's probably yeah, it's probably that. Anyway, I digress. Yeah. So back to what we were talking about. Yeah, I think that with man, I was I was the the thought was right there, and it just I watched it fly

People Pleasing And Being Approachable

SPEAKER_01 26:20

away.

SPEAKER_02 26:20

Well, we were saying that you don't you won't bel if someone says something about you don't already believe.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

Right. So what I do is because I'm a people pleaser by heart, I try to make sure it I know a lot of people are not gonna like me. That's just me.

SPEAKER_02 26:39

There's not hardly anybody that doesn't like you.

SPEAKER_01 26:43

Okay, thank you. I love you, and I and I know you look at me through the lens of love. I do, but it's true. But but the thing is, is that I I don't want to, and I get it's not about people liking me per se. It's about not coming across as something that as something that I just you know that I offend, you know, because I I I just I want to be that person that people can come to and talk to and and be open about and stuff. You know, I don't want to close that door. You know, the other day, so we're we're at this networking event, and so this guy, we were you and I were talking to this group of people, and this guy looked at me, he goes, You got a bike? And and I'm like, When was this? This was at the B and I thing. And and I'm like, Okay, why? And he's like, You got that look, you do, and I'm like, I look like I should be driving riding a motorcycle. He's like, Yes, you do, and I was like, Okay, he says, You just got that look, and I'm like, at first I was kind of like cool, complimentary, thanks, bro. And then later on, I started thinking about it. I'm like, and I said this to you in the truck, I don't know if you remember, but I just like we talked about it, and I was like, Yeah, but I don't want to seem unapproachable. Because you know, sometimes when you give off that persona of like this this biker guy, you know, sometimes people are like don't lie, sometimes you do want to look unapproachable when you're in protector mode. When I'm in protector mode, absolutely. You know, when you and I are out together, I want people to know her her protector is standing right next to her, so watch out. But yeah. But again, generally, yeah, I don't want to be unapproachable. Yeah, generally speaking. I want to be able to be, you know, because I was actually accused of that at a job a long time ago. Is that, you know, I thought my review was gonna be great, and they're talking to me about my production and stuff was good. And there was that the only thing is people complain that you are unapproachable. I'm like, wait, what?

SPEAKER_02 29:04

Yeah, it's because you have the biker look.

SPEAKER_01 29:06

That that that this is before my goatee, and you know, this is when I had a clean baby face and everything. I mean, oh yeah, this is back in the day. And I was taken by that. And it and it and I didn't and I had to really take a deep dive into that and and my persona is that I didn't want to be perceived as unapproachable because I want people to ask for ask me for help, you know, ask me questions. I'm a very social person in that person, you know, in that manner. So it's like when I hear that it it it kind of just worries you a little.

SPEAKER_02 29:47

Yeah, but that you seem unapproachable, right?

SPEAKER_01 29:50

So that's kind of the thing, is what I try to do is when I hear something that is negative, that kind of I don't believe it at first because I'm like, no, get out of town. But that also I I take a di deep dive and like, well, is that me or why did they why do they think that way of me? Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_02 30:08

Yeah, I think we both do that. I think that's another thing that helps us have such a good relationship.

SPEAKER_01 30:14

Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 30:16

I know I know early, early, early in our relationship, I noticed that about you that I could talk to you and say, you know, I notice I do this and I'm working on it, and what do you think? And then you would without I wasn't even saying you do this, but then later you would come back and you would say, Oh, I was thinking about it, and I think I do that too. And yeah, it was just really cool.

SPEAKER_01 30:44

I was like, Yeah. That's great. Yeah. Yeah, no, so absolutely. So let move forward on what you were talking about.

SPEAKER_02 30:54

Well, uh I just I kind of want to just circle back to the fact that you know getting curious and being honest with yourself to why with myself about why I'm reacting the way I am, about why what uh it made me so angry, whatever it is. What and naming what I'm afraid of to m to me is the key. Because once I knew what it was, first of all, it felt kind of diffused. And then also it just helped me to be aware of it when it comes up. And also then I know what I'm working on.

SPEAKER_00 31:36

Right.

SPEAKER_02 31:37

I know what I'm working on healing. So so I I think the goal is to heal our insecurities ultimately, right? Right. And so healing the insecurities starts with telling the tr well, identifying it, of course. Right. But then to start healing it for me, it's is telling the the insecuring the truth about whatever it is you're insecure about. Right. You know, like is it there's never there's not gonna be enough. Well let's look at the history. Have you has there been a time where there wasn't enough?

SPEAKER_01 32:22

Right.

SPEAKER_02 32:23

No. Were there times there it was, you know, if we were talking about money specifically, were there times that it was tight? Yes. Were there times where it was like, I don't know how we're gonna do this? Yes. But eventually I mean there was enough. Something happened, something came up. And there was enough.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

Right.

SPEAKER_02 32:42

So starting so the process of healing the insecurity starts with telling you the truth, and then sometimes just walking through, you know, what's the worst possible scenario that could happen. Right?

SPEAKER_00 32:55

Right.

SPEAKER_02 32:55

And then also another thing that helps me, and it's a and it's I have to do it over and over again. Like it's not like a one-time deal. And sometimes I'll get better at it, and then I'll think, oh, I've got it, and then it'll pop up again. So but it's just knowing that, recognizing it, and a lot of times I don't recognize it right away. It'll be after you know, after the fact, but I do get faster and faster at it. And another thing is trying to learn to not worry about what hasn't happened yet.

SPEAKER_01 33:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 33:36

So so I heard this one time that I I didn't vet it, but they say, right? Um there was a study where the res researchers had people write down the things that they were worried about and then after time passed, looking to see how many of those things actually happened. And it was like almost none.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 34:02

Almost none of the things they were worried about actually happened. Right.

SPEAKER_00 34:06

Right.

SPEAKER_02 34:07

So our insecurities, our fears. Right. Fears that something will happen or something won't happen, or or there won't be enough, or or you know, whatever. And so realizing that worrying about something that hasn't happened yet is just kind of a waste of energy.

SPEAKER_01 34:30

Yeah, I heard this this guy, and I think I I showed you the video, it was kind of neat. It was about this teacher. He was he was holding a glass of water, and he's like, he asked the students, he's like, Hey, how much does this water weigh? And you know, and kids are like, 12 ounces, 16 ounces, and stuff like that. And he was like, Okay, so if I hold this for a few minutes, no big deal, right? They're like, Yeah. But if I stand here and hold it for about an hour, what happens? My arm starts becoming fatigued. I get tired, but I'm still holding that light 12-ounce, 12, 16 ounce, whatever it is, glass of water.

SPEAKER_02 35:13

Yeah, the weight of the weight of the glass didn't change.

SPEAKER_01 35:16

The weight of the glass never changed.

SPEAKER_02 35:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:18

But how long I was holding it got worse and worse. He would say, what happens if it was a whole day? Well, what happens if it's a month? It gets worse. Right. And that is what worries do to us. If we were able to take that weight of that worry and put it down right away, recognize it, and then let it pass and move on, we would have no worries.

unknown 35:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:47

Well, and well, not no worries, but it wouldn't affect us. Right. Because it I mean it it goes to show like stress and worry, those things end up making it.

SPEAKER_02 35:57

Yeah, I remember you showing me the video, and his yeah, his point was you gotta put the worry down sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 36:06

Gotta put it down. Especially when it first comes. Yeah. Because the longer you hold on to it, the more can like in fact.

SPEAKER_02 36:13

And that doesn't matter. And that was the kind of the last thing I put in my notes is that not that you do you do what you need to do today. So it's not like you don't act at all. Right. But you do what you need to do today and then let tomorrow wor you know, let tomorrow worry about tomorrow. I you've heard that saying, but but yeah, you just don't keep hanging on to it. You do what you can do today and put it down.

SPEAKER_01 36:43

So let me ask you this as we're talking about insecurities and recognizing them and and what to do to try to help move through that.

Keeping Insecurities From Hijacking Us

SPEAKER_01 36:55

Are these that are these insecurities is that I mean we talk about relationships. You know, we talk about identifying what is it that caused the riff in your relationship? How did it start? Where well how did it get to this point? What how are those insecurities that you were talking about, or that what both of us were talking about, how how do they end up getting in between us sometimes? And how can we take care of that?

SPEAKER_00 37:35

Hmm.

SPEAKER_01 37:37

Because I mean you were talking about judge you know, you were judging yourself, you know, and all of these things. How is it that that insecurity could end up getting in between us?

SPEAKER_02 37:48

Well, speaking about that, I mean, uh one thing I mentioned earlier is if you're judging yourself, it's really easy to assume other people are judging you.

SPEAKER_01 37:56

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:58

So, you know, it it'd be easy to jump to the conclusion that you're, you know, the other person is thinking something about you and they're not.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

They're not.

SPEAKER_02 38:07

They're not.

SPEAKER_01 38:08

Nine times out of ten, they're not.

SPEAKER_02 38:10

Right.

SPEAKER_01 38:11

And if they are, well, maybe, you know, something's an insecurity of theirs that's causing them to do that to you, right?

SPEAKER_02 38:18

That's what I was thinking when you were telling the story about the people that didn't feel like they could approach you.

unknown 38:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:24

That sounds like them problem. Well, and yeah. No, not that you do nothing about it.

SPEAKER_01 38:30

Right, right, right. But that I did I have come to that conclusion of my, you know, in my years of life, is that if somebody does have a problem with me, I hate the fact that someone does, but that has just got to be something in them because I'm I've become one of the most approachable people you'll ever meet. Yeah. You know, you know, I'll I'll give you the shirt off my back. I will do whatever it takes to help you in any way within my my power, right? Right. My knowledge, my power, my wisdom, whatever, whatever it is. But yeah, it it's it's got it's more or less on them. Yeah. But what I liked what you said earlier, you know, identifying that that perfectionism and stuff, and knowing that, and being flexible to the point that when there is a riff or something, that we both kind of step back and we identify, we kind of look. All right, we're not looking about whose fault it is. You know, we're looking at is the reason this got started because of something I'm insecure about. You know, I think that's really, really important. Right. Especially in the whole idea of relationships, is that when we when we are in these rifts and when we are in these moments, and a lot of times, man, I'm telling you, it might be because one of us or both of us might be tired, it might be we lower running on low energy, or something else in the world cause some kind of thing inside of me to get angry, or you to get angry, and then all of a sudden we take it out. But for us to be able to stop and I and try to identify in each other or ourselves first.

SPEAKER_02 40:24

Yeah, ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 40:25

Yeah, I'm not I'm not gonna try to identify you. I'm not gonna say, you know, if you wasn't insecure about that, then you know that then uh that's my death wish right there, you know. Well, there's a time for that. Yeah, not when you're in the heat of the moment, right? Right? Right. I mean, those when you start calling, because then what are you gonna do? You're gonna get defensive and you're gonna call something that's an insecure mind out. All of a sudden we're throwing stones and mud and everything at each other, and that's not healthy.

SPEAKER_02 40:51

But in the But there can be conversations like that when, yeah, when when you're not in the heat of it, like you mentioned.

SPEAKER_01 40:57

But the yes, absolutely. Because we've had those hard conversations with each other, you know. What what is it about that that really got under your skin? Yeah. You know, do you think it's because of this? Oh yeah, you're probably right. It was because of that, you know. Yeah. So I think that that's in the in a in a matter of speaking of when it comes to relationships, I think, is the is the idea of first of all, the constant identifying what is my insecurities. I mean, everyone needs to take a tally on their self, you know, and become self-aware to the point where they they understand that there is something in me that I want to be, you know, we we always talk about being the best version of ourselves, you know, and and having that space and that that that that safe space to understand how I can be the best version of myself. Identify what what do you in your point of view, what would make the you be the best version of yourself? And then from there start identifying how can I move away from this insecurity? How can I heal from it, you know? Because I think that if we just keep, you know, one of the things that article was saying is that, you know, it's this this feeling where you think you're right all the time.

SPEAKER_02 42:25

Or, you know, you know You have to be right or else you're I mean, if you to be wrong is just so impermissible.

SPEAKER_01 42:33

Right, right, right, right, right. So but yeah. What else?

SPEAKER_02 42:39

So I that's it really. I mean, just kind of recapping, you know.

SPEAKER_01 42:44

Yeah, recap. Go through those steps. I like those steps.

SPEAKER_02 42:47

So j witness your judgment without judgment.

SPEAKER_01 42:51

Witness it without witness your judgment without judgment.

SPEAKER_02 42:54

Forgive it, have compassion, start being curious and honest w about why you're reacting the way you are. Why are you angry? What are you really afraid of? Name it. Name it. Name what you're afraid of. And then you can start to heal it by telling it the truth.

SPEAKER_01 43:18

Nice. I love it. It was good stuff, babe.

SPEAKER_02 43:23

Yeah, I mean, it's it's really meant a lot to me. It's helped me and I feel like it's helped our relationship a lot.

SPEAKER_01 43:34

Same, you know, same for me. You know, and just being able to have that, and I say this all the time, that safe space to be able to to do these steps. To be able to I d I mean, I might not do them in the order that you say, but I do these, you know, and and I go through and I start thinking to myself, you know. What is it? Oh, this is it. Why am I fearing this? Okay, God forgive me for this. I'm gonna move on and I'm gonna heal. Yeah. You know?

SPEAKER_02 44:11

Well, and that's the safe space comes from from the compassion.

SPEAKER_01 44:15

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:17

Learning to you know, like I said, forgiving my myself, having compassion for myself allows me to have compassion for you.

SPEAKER_01 44:26

Yeah. Same.

unknown 44:28

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 44:29

Yeah,

Recap Steps And Where To Follow

SPEAKER_01 44:30

my love. All right, guys. Well, thanks for spending this time with us today. If there is something from our conversation that resonates with you, we are so glad. Why don't you follow us on Instagram, Spotify, or Apple Podcast? And drop us a comment, give us a like, and uh follow us. Uh, we'll be back soon with another conversation. Until then, take care and thanks for listening again to Religious.

SPEAKER_02 44:58

Bye everyone, I'm not sure.